SoOoOo… I’ve had a lot of things hold me back in my life. Things can change though…
Some things I couldn’t help, for example: After being deathly ill for months, I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease in 2001, right before my sixteenth birthday. For almost eleven years now, frequent doctor and clinic visits for IV infusions or “checkups” have became just a sucky part of my life. Though I never put the blame on my Crohn’s… (most people don’t even know I have it) lets face it, it has held me back a fuckton when it comes to certain things. Far too many to mention. Either way, I never let the bad shit define me. With lots of pot (haha) and medications, the past three years I’ve been in remission! I’m definitely happy about that, and it made me realize that I can control this.
I have control over my life and what I want for my future…. Right?
Well after many years of fucking off and simply just settling, I always knew in the back of my mind that I needed and wanted more and it had to happen. I had to let go of the things and people that hold me back from what I want in life…… another super long story short, I did it, no problem. (but honestly nothing’s ever a problem when I put my mind to it… Too confident? Bite me.)
Anyway, since then I’ve been searching for myself, looking for happiness, motivation, approval, security, etc etc etc…
Two years ago I was a completely different person. I’ve done things I’ve always wanted to do. Saw some amazing life changing sights. Made some awesome friends and even made a few mistakes. Shit happens. We all know this.
Through all of this I think it’s safe to say the only thing that hasn’t changed is that I can’t and won’t settle here. I will not let myself live in this state for the rest of my life. Running away would be nice, but lets be realistic….. Finding a good enough reason to leave has been tricky, when it’s there you know it. You’ll know exactly where you want to be. I need that “my life has just begun” feeling again. Though I only feel like that’ll happen if I leave here. Last thing I want is pity… but I’ve been through the worst… When is it time for the best? Right this second I honestly don’t know how or when that would happen, but it’ll come. It has to.
You should know I’ll never regret any of it, and I’ll keep trying harder. I’ll do what I have to do to get what I want and need. Everything that’s good or bad, whether it was five weeks ago or five years ago, has made me who I am right. fucking. now.
Simple as that.
Moral of the story is that there is no moral of the story? I just wanted to type out all this shit in my head, and thought here might just be the place. Ha! So if you’ve read this far, I want to thank you for doing so. I know I’m a mess, and I love you.
If you know me at all… none of the above changes who I am to you.
not even a little bit ♥
“I am in repair, I’m not together but I’m getting there.” -John Mayer
tagged as: mine, personal, crohns disease, crohns, life, rant, ignore, my life, in a nutshell, tmi, i'm high as shit, idk if it even makes sense!, lol, i needed to vent -__-, leave me alone, thanks, ♥,